Happy Valentine's Day and a Big Thank You to Casey McKay for hosting Spanking Stories Book Club this week. Casey's book, Cursed Waters was a book club selection a few weeks ago. You can read that post here.
Now, back to matters at hand...or in hand, as the case may be.
[I know this picture doesn't go with the post, but it's Valentine's Day and the picture was free. Just think of it as a nice bonus from me. ]
Aching To Submit by Natasha Knight
Blurb:
Though
deeply in love with her husband Michael, for years Sophie has longed to give
him not only her love, but her submission as well. In spite of her yearning to
kneel at his feet, fear of rejection keeps her from sharing the truth with him.
Though she would never give her body to another man, her need to submit drives
her to seek out others like herself and learn more… until Michael discovers her
deception and she fears her marriage may be over.Despite the anger and sadness which tear at his heart when he learns that his wife has kept such an important secret from him, Michael is not going to give up the love of his life without a fight. It will take time, but he is more than ready to be the man she needs, the man to whom she will gladly submit. First, though, she must be firmly disciplined for her betrayal of his trust…
Standing naked before her husband, awaiting a punishment which will bring her to tears and leave her bare bottom red and sore, submission suddenly feels truly real to Sophie for the first time. As Michael asserts his dominance more and more with each passing day, Sophie begins to see him in a way she has never seen him before, and her desire for him seems to know no bounds. But is this just a second honeymoon of sorts, or will Sophie’s submission endure through the trials of everyday life?
Take it away Casey.....
I am
really excited to be hosting the discussion about Natasha Knight's Aching to
Submit. It just struck such a chord with me, and I believe it would speak
to anyone who ever felt afraid to open up about something they had kept hidden
for so long. All of the emotions Sophie went through: feeling weird for having
spanking and BDSM fantasies, feeling like her husband would not accept her,
feeling like if she could change herself she would be better off. I remember
having all of these feelings, I still have them from time to time. It was a lot
of raw emotion and it was a great story to sink my teeth into. If you have not
read it yet, do yourself a favor and download it now. You can still stick
around for our discussion, but you do not want to miss out on the book!
Questions
for Discussion:
In the
story Sophie has a number of stressors weighing on her at once: a move to a new
country, problems with her in-laws, and multiple miscarriages. When we meet her
she is trying to deal with all of these things, yet the only thing she can
focus on are her BDSM fantasies. She obsesses over her urges and worries she
can't share them with her husband, Michael and that he won't accept them.
Sophie's
troubles act as a catalyst for bringing her desires and fantasies to a head.
She ends up deciding she needs to do something about them, with or without
Michael. Do you find this is true in real life? Do stresses or problems in one
area of life force other, unrelated issues up to the surface?
Kyan is a
trained Dom and he helps Michael to become more comfortable in meeting Sophie's
needs. Do you think Sophie and Michael would have been able to get to where
they did without Kyan's involvement? Do you think this is something that would
work in a real life situation?
Sophie is
fortunate that Michael saw the seriousness of her need and how important it was
to her. I would say his willingness saved their marriage. What if Michael
weren't so willing and open towards Sophie's needs, would it have put a bigger
strain on their relationship?
Related to
the above question: Do you think a relationship is more likely to end if one
half of the couple comes out with some sort of kink or desire and the other
half is unwilling to try?
What's
your opinion about one partner going outside of the relationship to have this
need met?
Great questions, Casey. I can't wait to see what everyone has to say.
Wow, these are great questions Casey! Hmm, I know for me problems in one area of life tend to have me obsessing about other areas of life as well until it becomes just one big pile!
ReplyDeleteI definitely think if the needs of one partner aren't being met it places more of a strain on the relationship. Having said that however, I'm not sure how I would feel about going outside of the relationship to have those needs met. I tend to think it may ultimately place an even bigger strain on the relationship.
Thank you for hosting Celeste, I love the pic :) Happy Valentines Day everyone!
Hugs,
Roz
I am the same, Roz. If one part of my life is not going well, I end up focusing on everything that is not going well. Is that just human nature maybe?
DeleteI think it is human nature and it's like being in a big pressure cooker sometimes that it all melds together into one giant pile. I also agree that if she had gone outside of the marriage (or in real life) it must put a strain on a marriage or maybe that's just my thinking. I think of myself as fairly flexible and open minded but that particular scenario would be difficult. Too many emotions involved.
DeleteThank you Roz :)
Good questions, Casey! Great book, Natasha! The emotions that Sophie went through felt so real and authentic. Aching to Submit is such a believable story. When Michael saw Sophie coming out of that BDSM club the first time, I cringed. OMG.
ReplyDeleteNow for the questions; I think that Sophie and Michael could have gotten to where they needed to be without Kyan's help. Really, all she needed to do was talk to Michael. They could have approached it incrementally, I think, with her asking him to spank her. The real issue in the relationship was communication.
If Michael hadn't been open to meeting Sophie's needs, I think the marriage would have ended (Funny how we talk about imaginary people like they're real). Her needs were too compelling to not be met. How could you live your entire life with a need that strong and never have it met?
I don't think that it's necessary a fatal blow to a relationship if one person has a kink and the other doesn't. It really depends on how strong, compelling the kink is, and if they can get the need met some other way. Many "mismatched" couples pair up all the time (one's a party animal, the other's a homebody; one's a night owl, the other is an early bird).
It's not good for a relationship for one partner to SNEAK and go outside the relationship. I think it cracks the relationship and makes it vulnerable to further breakage. However, if a couple are open and honest and agree that it's okay for one person to have that need met outside, then that's different. But still chancy, I think.
Yes, the emotions in this book were so real to me too! I found myself talking to the characters, a lot of "What are you doing?"
DeleteI agree, a lot of Sophie and Michael's problem boiled down to communication. Sophie was so afraid of Michael's rejection that she didn't want to go to him.
I found myself being so relieved when Michael finally found out. (And yes, I still think about them like they are real people and I am very happy they have worked it out).
I'm so glad other people loved this book as much as I did!
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteIt's strange that only in good books the people really come alive. My Sophie is of course the cover Sophie :-), but there are so many books where the people are just so unreal, don't you think? Not in this book. This book makes it for me as a Dutchman even more real, because I know how the Jordaan looks like. When I read a book I try to identify with one of the characters. Strange thing is I can I identify with both male and female characters.
DeleteA book with no identification of the characters I discard very quickly...
I'm in a marriage where I did come out with this kink to my husband (after 15 years). His reaction was 'ok, I don't understand it but let's figure it out and give it a go'. It's probably one of the best outcomes you can have.
DeleteCommunication is key and no, it is not the end of a relationship if one has the kink and the other does not. It might mean more work getting to the place the kinky partner has been fantasizing about forever, but it's not impossible and there are - as with everything else - compromises.
Although a part of me believes that not every need can be met by one person ever time, I also agree that sneaking out could cause a crack in the marriage - at least for me. I'm speaking here as a woman who has a husband who said yes, let's try. I think if your partner has a negative reaction, it's a whole different ball game.
For me, sneaking wouldn't work but on the other side of this is having your need met with the blessing of a partner who is unable to do so. I don't think it's many people who can do this though - we're human and we all have feelings. It's complicated and each situation is unique I think. You just have to be ok with the decision you take.
Thank you Cara - and I'm truly thrilled you enjoyed the book.
Aching to submit is one of my favorite books. It's one of Natasha's best books. Maybe one is better, but... It has everything a good book needs, a good story that happen to people in real life, a wonderful title and the prettiest cover I have ever seen. I'm in love with the Sophie on the cover.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that sexual feelings can be very strong. Dominant or submissive, equally I guess. But I don't think you can have both. You either fulfill your dreams - you hope - and go for a relationship in BDSM and break off your current relationship. Or you stay with the partner and make the best of the vanilla relationship. And Natasha writes in this book so well how Soph combines the two. She shows so well the guilt that was already building. She describes so well what Sophie feels that against all reasons she needs to fulfill.
I believe in one on one relationships. It's understandable if you grow apart because dominant as well as submissive feelings are strong. But a promise is a promise, married or not. Commitment is commitment. Better to break the commitment and start exploring then exploring and regret it ever since.
I am curious what you think about Kyan and Michael. In my opinion Michael is submissive to the alpha male Kyle. He is his superior in everything: in experience, in moral strength in everything. They are the same age, same built, but there is no question who is the top dog. Would Michael go to him in real life to ask him for advice how to handle her?
'And when she asked you to have mercy and not deliver those last strokes you'd promised, you did' Kyan asked. Michael nodded (Yes sir (Han)).
To set your mind at ease, I might not have,; Kyan said. 'In fact, I can't see myself not delivering what I've promised and Julia expects that from me' (Julia is Kyan's submissive wife, Han).
It's interesting to see Natasha Knight made Kyan (strong name) so much stronger then Michael.
Han van Meegeren
Han you bring up some very good points! This is also my favorite book by Natasha- it's just the raw emotion in it that gets to me.
DeleteYes, I think Kyan is more Dominant than Michael, but I think that is because Kyan is more comfortable with it than Michael. I think it would have been weird if Michael was the 'perfect Dom' right out of the gate.
That is what I loved about this book so much, Natasha demonstrated true to life situations between her couple. Michael spanking Sophie for the first time- he is unsure and worried he is hurting her too much. That was very real to me. I think if we were able to get a glimpse back into the life of Michael and Sophie we might find that Michael has grown more into his Dominant role.
Han! For those of you who don't know Han, I met him on line (I think FB??) and he happens to live an hour from me which is totally strange as everyone else lives on a whole other continent!
DeleteI know we talked about this, Han, and I'm not sure why it worked out they way it did or why I wrote it that way. It wasn't intentional, it just went that way. I agree that Kyan is more dominant than Michael but Casey, I think you make a good point (and of course I want to defend my Michael). Checking in with them after he has gained some experience, Michael would likely be as dominant as Kyan. I think the way he took on the role of the dominant partner hinted at the Dom lying dormant within him. I'll go back to the age old 'men are taught from a very young age not to hit/hurt women' and look at us asking our husbands to spank us and do it harder. I think it takes some time to wrap your brain around that.
You always make me think, Han, and you always have the most thought out questions and answers. I very much appreciate your friendship. :-)
Kyan does come across as more dominant, but don't forget, he's been a practicing Dom for a long while, whereas Michael is new to the role. I think it's fair to say that Michael will grow his dominance more. *She says like they're real people.*
DeleteYou can tell I'm a fan of the book, huh? Just GOT to share with you the prologue.
ReplyDeleteIn many books you can skip the prologue. Most are boring. But the prologue in this book. Sigh.
Even after a severe case of amnesia, I'll still remember the prologue of Aching to Submit. Huge MCP-smile.
Yes, go on. Read it again! Two pages.
Han
Han, I love what a big fan you are. You are making me smile! It is an awesome prologue!
DeleteI want to talk about books with you all the time now :)
Han--welcome! I don't know if you've ever commented before but I hope you'll come back often with your thoughtful insights on books!
DeleteVery interesting point about the two men.
Wow, you're really exercising my brain on Friday evening with hose questions, Casey.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I loved this book. It was so emotionally deep and challenging, really hitting the heart of the reader. I found myself oscillating between feeling more for one and then the other, but it was obvious that even though there was this big thing, the elephant in the room, BDSM causing a rift, the depth of the love between the couple always shone through.
Question one, Can stresses in one area bring up other hidden stresses? I think that they can, sometimes it's the smallest straw that breaks the camel's back, but in the book, a change of country, a language barrier and loss of friends and family, are all huge catalysts, as they would be in real life. In that siutuation, loneliness would be the hardest thing to bear and some loneliness is inevitable when you move to a new country, leaving your friends and family behind, no matter how much you want or are excited about the move.
Would Sophie and Michael have been able to get to here they did without Kyan's involvement? I think they would, as they seemed to have a lot going for them, but it would have probably taken a lot longer. Kyan's role was that of a catalyst - he forced them to confront their issues, while helping Michael understand and embrace Sophie's needs and desires. He taught them to push their shyness aside and talk frankly about something so deeply personal and embarrassing to Sophie. If you've been in a vanilla relationship for years, but have always carried these desires, it takes a huge leap of faith to "come out" as the fear of horrifying your partner runs deep. In reality though, it's not as huge a thing as it becomes in the mind of the person and I would say more often than not it's got to be a relief to stop carrying this shameful burden and be able to use it instead as a positive force in your relationship.
What if Michael weren't so willing to embrace Sophie's needs?
I am sure this often happens in real life, or even that at first the partner is unwilling and later baby steps are taken gradually leading to a common ground that a couple can work from. If there is no budging though, and the vanilla partner is truly horrified, then I feel totally for the couple, as I can imagine it leading to frustration, embarrassment and resentment. Even a willingness to try to compromise has to be better than a complete shut off. I do feel for anyone in that situation. It takes so much courage to come out and when one does, they really need a favourable reception of some type, even if it's just a hug for their frankness.
Can a relationship work if one has a kink and the other is unwilling to try? I do honestly believe so, if the relationship has lots of other strengths and commonalities. If however it's already floundering, then this will just add to another discontentment.
Finally, what is my opinion on going outsiide the relationship to have those needs met? To me that is entirely a decision each individual will have to make for themselves, but preferably based on honesty and frankness as secrets do have a way of popping up to bite one in the bum.
Thanks so much for the interesting questions. Have a great weekend.
Those are not only interesting questions, that is an interesting and balanced answer, Tara. I am inclined to agree with you on the point of view that if the relation is strong enough many stormy roads can be overcome. But the need to dominate or submit is very strong too. I agree with the catalyst theory of Kyan, but it is a very thin line my Soph was walking on!
DeleteIn the book Sophie is 12 years younger then Michael. Do you think age makes a difference? Would it make a difference if Michael was 12 years younger to your opinion?
You deserve a hug yourself for your comment: “It takes so much courage to come out and when one does, they really need a favorable reception of some type, even if it's just a hug for their frankness.” Those words are really wonderful.
Am I going to say this right? Kinky people are more open minded than not? I don't mean to offend if I'm not saying it right and I think what I mean is that people who have gone through something like this, something so deeply rooted and so utterly humiliating and absolutely impossible to ignore do become more open minded and tolerant and accepting just knowing how they were once (and maybe still are) on the outside.
DeleteWhy did I just say that? My mind is like a sieve... Tara, yes, your answer is thorough and balanced and I send a virtual hug. I agree with all your points and I think we all are saying the same thing. It's interesting to see that and it makes me appreciate my community so much.
Tara- Yes, you're right, it is so hard to come out and ask for what you want. And isn't that the scariest thing? Making yourself vulnerable and open to the humiliation. But I would venture a guess that you might not be with the right person if you are too afraid to tell them.
Deletehm, I do enjoy these questions. I so have to get to reading this book- I feel bad that it's sitting unread on my Kindle. But I think I can understand some of what Sophie's going through- yes, she has all these other worries but is focused on BDSM. It's like what I've been struggling with, with my Master recently. We've had so many big huge real life worries... so when His being stressed lead to no sex, no BDSM activity happening, my mind interpreted that as "I'm fat and He doesn't want me anymore." And now amount of rational logic I threw at the problem helped. Because I did realize that train of thought was entirely silly. I can't imagine being in a relationship where one person has a kink and the other is completely unwilling to be open about it. It makes me think of my interest in enemas- my Master is totally squicked by the thought, so for me it's something I enjoy in fiction, in porn, and I don't ask Him to be involved.
ReplyDeletewow I have to get to some reading so I'm actually ready for questions. I feel a bit like a bad school girl who needs a spanking :D
It's so great that your reaction and Sue's are underneath each other! Sue begins with stressers and if only life was a book huh. Real life is a bitch. And why do women always begin to doubt their looks? I know men are shallow sometimes, but not the one you chose! Good for you to get rid of those thoughts.
DeleteThere are as many kinks as there are vanilla positions. Ready for questions, huh? Now what would possibly be a way for him to except enema's as your kink. There is, and you already know it. Just go for it.
I love our group! Someone always comes by being the naughty girl who needs a spanking!! ;)
DeleteI think there are levels and levels of kink and after coming out with one, you kind of think it's all good now - but wait, there's another layer or a different kink which is more deeply rooted and even more embarrassing than the last. It's like layer after layer - don't make me say my favorite Shrek saying here.
I know for myself, there are some things I'm perfectly willing to leave to fiction but I couldn't leave this to it. Thanks Joelle and Han.
Joelle, you should totally get a spanking :P
DeleteJ/K, thanks for coming! And when you get a spare minute read the book, it's so good!
Yes, sex, and relationship issues, and just life issues always get so intertwined and weird. I am glad you could take a step back and realize it wasn't you!
You know, Han, I'm not sure if I could get my Master at all involved in the enema kink. He really just finds it gross. I count myself lucky that, unlike the image people seem to get from BDSM erotica/porn, that I'm free to engage in the activity. Of course that means I take my enema kit in the bathroom by myself, write/read/watch about it on my own. But He and I have done enough talk that He understands my need and doesn't question it, and also my need/enjoyment of golden showers in a very specific set of circumstances, that He does indulge. Since there are so many of our kinks that do match, I don't feel it's quite like what Sophie was worried about with Michael- yup, I've started reading in the past few days
Deleteyeah, on looks. it's frustrating. I know even my Master gets frustrated- "We've been working on your body issues over a decade; why aren't we further?" To wish I once said to Him- "Master, I went on my first diet when I was 6." At least I'm not actively starving myself, just trying to have a regular (and reasonable) exercise program
is it bad that I know exactly what Shrek quote you're talking about, Natasha? :D and I do relate on the "just leave it in fiction." Of course quite a few of my interests, I'm simply the wrong gender for. Like I really enjoy watching bears engage in any style of lovemaking they enjoy- just seeing large, hairy gay men who are comfortable not being the effeminate stereotype :) and yeah, a spanking. sadly my Master is tired from His new job. maybe I can get at least a few whacks from His back scratcher :D
Deleteyeah a spanking :D actually I did start reading, Casey. I have an awesome "What I'm Reading Wednesday" brewing for next week, I hope
DeleteI just finished reading and I absolutely loved the book!
ReplyDeleteI think stressers can force unrelated issues to the surface of our mind. It's only natural that if we're thinking about how things a, b, and c are going horribly, we're going to start lamenting about thing d, even if it's totally unrelated to our other problems. I also think Sophie really needed to reconnect with her husband on a deep, intimate level because of all the stress she was going through, and exploring a bdsm relationship with him given her long repressed desire to submit was very realistic and resonated with me.
I think Sophie and Michael could've gotten to where they were at the end of the book had they not had Kyan's help, but I think it might have taken them a little longer.
If Michael wasn't willing to explore Sophie's needs, I think sadly it might have been the end for them. Their marriage was already under a lot of stress because of his family, his work schedule, her miscarriages, and her having to adjust to a new culture.
If one half of a couple is unwilling to try out the other person's kink, I think it can make it difficult for the relationship to continue. Feelings of rejection are hard to ignore and going your entire life without having such deep needs met would make for a miserable relationship.
I personally think it's risky for one person to have their needs met outside of a relationship, especially outside of marriage. But at the same time, if one partner isn't willing to indulge the other partner, it might be the only option at the time. I'm sure some couples can make it work, but I don't think it would be easy.
Great book!
For me, the point on what happens when after one partner comes out the other is absolutely unwilling or just can't really handle it/be ok or at least supportive, stays with me. For my husband and I, it would have had pretty awful consequences on our intimacy.
DeleteYou know how you watch other couples interact - older or your own age and just see what happens to people. There are the ones who are the same or better fifteen years after the fact and those that are together but with no connection at all. It always makes me think what happened and I know for me, if I hadn't come out, some part of me would have resented him for it even though it had only to do with me. It's interesting and strange and people do grow and help each other to grow and change.
Thanks Sue and I'm glad you enjoyed the book.
I remember before I confessed my spanking desires to my husband, we were only married a short time, and I was thinking "At worst I still have time to end this and find myself someone who will accept that part of me."
DeleteThat made it sound simple, of course I would have been devastated, but I couldn't even imagine having a relationship with someone who was unwilling to explore kink with me. I agree with Natasha that I would have been extremely resentful.
I am so glad you liked the book, Sue, I loved it!
Casey! You and I have 1)married the same man and 2)think exactly the same way! I can totally see you going to the extreme of 'I still have time to end this and look for someone who will accept that part of me'.
DeleteSo glad you did not have to. You are soul mates, my friend.
Finally home and able to discuss my favorite book. I recommend this book to everyone!! On a very personal, deep level this book was a mirror of my marriage.
ReplyDeleteStress does surface other issues. During stressful times things are out of control, we look for things we can control or at least think we can control. The first thing that comes to mind are things that are to do with us, because we usually can control those. I have seen this so many times in my life--how many women decide to not eat or eat too much during stress--it is something we can control. As a past anorexic, food was always my go to thing during stress. Now it is Oreos. (Remember I said past anorexic.) LOL
I think it would have worked without Kyan, but it is a definite process. I have been a spanko since I can remember. I have fantasized about it since I was little. I have been married to my husband 25 years this June and spent the first 13 years only fantasizing about it during sex. Never shared it. I got a membership to Bethany Burke's Herwoodshed and decided I better come out with it. I still can remember the feeling, my heart racing, not being able to breath, talking to fast and just knowing he was going to think I was a crazy freak. He kinda smiled and said "Oh, okay. I can work with that." He, as Tara and Hans said, did hug me and call me silly for worrying and that was it. And............we never delved into spanking........at alllllll for years. We talked. He sent me links to SpankingTube, I sent him books I thought would "push him" and articles and good spanking stories. He would swat me here and there, but that was it. Would I have liked a Kyan, absolutely!!! Wouldn't that be amazing?? Finally this year, he decided to take the plunge--no warning and gave me my first spanking!! 13 years later!! Will he be a Dom? No. Does he like it? Yeah. Is he getting better at it? Yeah. He will even in a firm, raised voice say, "Don't talk to me in that tone of voice!" or "Don't tell me what I am and am not going to do" or "How about I do what I need to do with your spanking and you shut your mouth". Mmmmmm okay. The more I submit, the more he becomes dominant.
Going outside the marriage is not an option for either of us. I can't imagine doing it. Would I love to try a scene with a dom.......I say yes, in my fantasy and imagination, but I wouldn't do it without him. He is my dance partner.
He tries, we compromise, I treat him as HoH and it is working. If he had been turned off, it would have been devastating to me. Just the act of confession being so difficult, if he had rejected me on top of it--I would have been mortified. But he loves me and I love him. Marriage is a dance. Some days it is an awkward dance. Some days we don't dance at all. Other days we do a very fine waltz. Is it a waltz others do? No. But it is our waltz and it is beautiful.
Tracey- I literally just teared up at your closing comments. Marriage is a dance... that was beautiful!
DeleteI can't believe he waited 13 years to spank you! I would have been so impatient!
But I love that he stayed open minded. We talk a lot about our partners needing time to process. I guess that is what you're husband needed, although, that was a long time. Sounds like he's got it now though :)
It was a long time. But it helped that we had kids that were middle school age--so we were really busy and not much privacy. We talked about it A LOT. I think out of embarrassment I never pushed, just his acceptance helped. Yeah we are definitely moving in the direction we both want.
DeleteHi Tracey :) You and I have talked about this off line - a lot - and I love your story. After I told my husband, I can tell you that I would not have been able to wait for that long for my spanking, but him sending you links to sites and you sharing books and the whole fact of you talking all that time is just like building the anticipation and maybe giving him the time to wrap his brain around all of it. I still think P is wrapping his brain around it over here and we're a year in of actually practicing!
DeleteThe submitting making him more dominant piece - there's something there. It's like if we can yield, then without even having to use words we give them the opportunity to dominate. There's a huge amount of trust that comes with this and being able to do that says a lot about a marriage.
As for kids and privacy, last night my 11 year old asked again if we 'still have sex'. If she only knew...
Such great questions, Casey. I haven't read this book, yet. No reading for me until I get my books written, then I can play. However, after reading the blurb and all these comments, I definitely have to make sure Natasha's book is waiting on my TBR list when I am able to start treating myself. So, my answers to these questions are going to be based on my personal opinion and not necessarily correct for the characters in Natasha's book.
ReplyDeleteDo stresses or problems in one area of life force other, unrelated issues up to the surface? Yes, I think so. It seems when one thing goes wrong, another three or five follow it. Not sure why that is, but problems often seem to come in multiples, and the issues aren't always related.
Do you think Sophie and Michael would have been able to get to where they did without Kyan's involvement? Do you think this is something that would work in a real life situation? From what others have said, I do think Sophie and Michael would have succeeded on their own without Kyan's involvement, though it probably would have been more trial and error and taken longer. As for this happening in real life, I'm sure trainers exist and for some couples having a more experienced Dom help with training would work. Not for me, however. I'm much too private to ever allow a third party into our relationship in that way.
What if Michael weren't so willing and open towards Sophie's needs, would it have put a bigger strain on their relationship? Yes, I think it would have. If he'd shut her down, her self-image would have plummeted to such low depths it probably would have affected her health.
Do you think a relationship is more likely to end if one half of the couple comes out with some sort of kink or desire and the other half is unwilling to try? Such a dynamic certainly wouldn't be healthy for the relationship, although I think a lot more couples are dealing with this than we realize. Vanilla partners aren't always open to experimentation, especially if they feel their religion proscribes it. A lot of us are brought up to believe hitting another person is bad from the time we were in preschool. Altering that perception is not easy, so there can be a strong resistance to change. As to it ending a relationship, if the need for kink is strong enough to affect the health and happiness of the individual being denied, then I think it could result in an end to the relationship. That or many years of unfulfilled desires and unhappiness.
What's your opinion about one partner going outside of the relationship to have this need met? I guess it depends on the couple. I've heard of women who seek a Dominant outside of their marriage, though often the relationship is purely Dom/sub and not sexual. Would this work for me? No. I don't think it would even work for my characters. In my perception, Dominant/submissive interactions are so wrapped up in sexuality that I can't imagine them existing outside of a sexual relationship. I know they can exist for others, just not for me. And sneaking around is a quick way to end a marriage.
Thanks for the post and comments guys, now I'm off to check my TBR list to make sure this book is on it.
Hi Kathryn. When I was writing the book, I wasn't sure how it was going to go. The moment in Kyan's office when he sets the paddle on his desk, offers her the spanking and confronts here with what she's doing - pushing her to be honest and look at herself - her reaction I still can feel even while I write this. She shook her head and realized for the first time how as much as she wanted this, she wanted it with her husband.
DeleteIn my own relationship when I felt as though my husband wasn't going to be able to do it (talk about communication break down - I completely shut down), I did start talking to someone else on line and realized pretty quickly that no, it won't work for me. I do think thought that my telling him that (along with a little help from some good friends), that action was what drove home how big a deal this was, how it wasn't going away and how important it was for me. We're in a much better place for it actually.
As for D/s relationships being sexual or not, we were just discussing this the other night. I think any two people coming together will have their own dynamic together so where one may be 'vanilla' with one partner, with someone else, that same person becomes wholly dominant or submissive. It's what they bring out in each other. This is a very interesting piece and I can talk about it forever!
As for the ability to have this in a non-sexual way, I want to way that yes it is possible but also not. I think sexuality is so so a part of being human and such a base level part of us that many many things do have some component of sexuality at their core. For me, that moment when your belly goes all funny at a reprimand that is purely non-sexual is so much more than sexual if that makes any sense. I don't think I can describe it but I do believe, like most things, it's so individual and unique for each person.
Thanks for stopping by!
Kathryn, am I supposed to stop reading when I am trying to write a book? Maybe that's why my productivity level is so low??
DeleteThanks for commenting anyway and I hope you love this book as much as I did when you read it!
I also don't think I could go outside of my marriage to have any kind of need met. It is all so wrapped up in trust that I wouldn't be able to let myself go with someone else.
This book just raised so many topics that hit so close to home for me. That's why I loved it so much!
Thank you so much for hosting me Celeste and Casey. I thoroughly enjoyed the discussion!
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