Happy Saturday everyone!
The following is from a Work In Progress tentatively titled “Becoming
A Proper Lady: The Diary of Miss Sarah McLean”. It is written in first person,
diary format, which is a bit different from me.
I’d like your help.
There’s a particular line in this snippet that when I wrote
it, I laughed out loud at my own cleverness. However, I’m not sure if it works
or is just confusing. At the end of my excerpt, I’ll have a couple questions
for you.
Set up: Previously Sarah spit on the shoe of Lord Amherst.
Here they encounter each other again.
“Well, hello Yankee girl,
have you spit on anyone yet?”
I turned, determined
not to rise to the bait, but when I looked into the face of Lord Amherst and
saw the smug expression there, my determination disappeared. “Not yet, but that
could change at any moment.”
“I would expectorate
no less from you, little Yankee girl,” he replied.
I opened my mouth to
reply, then closed it. Had this man actually bested me in a war of words?
Perhaps I had misheard him and he had simply said expect not expectorate,
because who could really be that clever?
“Have I stunned you
with my word play, Miss McLean?” he said, a satisfied smile on his lips, which
I had noticed were quite luscious and surrounded even white teeth which I
imagined nipping at various parts of my body.
Question:
Should I: A. Leave it as is.
B. Leave it as is, but take out the explanation in the following paragraph.
C. Take out 'expectorate' and quit trying to be so clever.
D. Other
Thanks! I appreciate the input.
As always, be sure to visit all the other Saturday Spankers
I think it is funny. Plus if the character would be silly and clever like that it makes sense. If on the other hand he is a stuffed shirt...lol.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a clever idea, but I would work in the word another way. I think what is needed in this context is a pun, which has double meaning, but expectorate doesn't work because it doesn't mean "expect." It really comes down to how proper he is. His use of expectorate makes him seem more American than proper English lord.
ReplyDeleteShe is quite feisty. I find the spitting shocking! She definitely needs a spanking.
Very much depends on the his character if it suits him.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the makings of a fun book though.
DeleteLeave it as it is, would be my vote. I had no problem understanding it and thought it was a fun play on words.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story with interesting characters! I think it's fine as is.
ReplyDeleteI think it shows the fun in their relationship, The mocking teasing. ;)
ReplyDeleteMaybe you are looking for different wording? I hate when I have something in my mind and a word sits on the tip of my tongue..perhaps if we knew more about them.
I think it's an adorable little play on the character of both words.. Although expectorate does not exactly mean expect. But Sarah no less gets taken by his implication. It's an enticing, yet subtle tease.
ReplyDeleteI vote 'leave it.' is was cleaver... Nice Job!
I think it's fun little play. I would say leave it, just trim out the part where you say, "because who could really be that clever". Otherwise it's well written and a fun character moment.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get it at first, but in the next paragraph where she focuses on the word play, it really fits the conversation. Leave it all in :)
ReplyDeleteI say leave it in but take out his 'have I stunned you with my wordplay' bit. I love when clever little things work their way into writing. I do a little pat on the back and giggle - all by myself at my desk. It's what makes doing this nice. We're weird like that I think! :)
ReplyDeleteLOL, I liked it. But I would do something to italicize it. I couldn't figure it out until the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteVery funny!
I like humor and play on words like this.
Great job!!! :)
I like it as is. Nothing wrong with being clever.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Natasha to remove the "Have I stunned you with my wordplay" part. That sounds too self-congratulatory. I think it's best for her to keep wondering if she heard it right.
ReplyDeleteThey sound like interesting characters!
I agree with Natasha. Very funny and clever, but I don't think I want it pointed out to me. I think it's fine that it's not a word with a similar meaning.
ReplyDeleteI like it the way it is. She's a feisty one and I can see many many spankings in her future:)
ReplyDeleteHaha, very punny. Made me laugh - and sing that song from Beauty & The Beast: "I'm especially good at expectorating ..." ;-)
ReplyDeleteB - take out the explanation. You are so clever and we get it! loved it!
ReplyDeleteI'd say leave it all in. It's really very clever, but books these days have too many typos. If you don't leave something in there to point out that it's a jest, someone will (annoyingly) think that you can't spell. It's a shame, eh?
ReplyDeleteLove the nipping. Leave it all--I don't think you can trust your reader to follow you, otherwise.
ReplyDeleteLeave as is...
ReplyDeleteVery good word-smithing.
Leave as is...
ReplyDeleteVery good word-smithing.
I love both lines, Celeste, and I think “Well, hello Yankee girl, have you spit on anyone yet...” is the perfect set up for the pun. I love it!
ReplyDeleteI say A- I do love the clever line, plus her thoughts on the line. great snippet.
ReplyDeleteIf I put on my "reader only" hat, personally I wouldn't need the explanation parts at all, so I'd end it right after "war of words." The fun of it, to me, strictly in casual reader mode, is coming upon it, not expecting it (ruk ruk). I think readers who do get it, well, they get to feel smug, and readers who think it's a 'typo' or something, well ... um.
ReplyDeleteI would pick B, since what he says next pretty well explains it, if they haven't gotten it.
ReplyDelete