A recent discussion on Facebook sparked a few thoughts that I'd like to share.
Last summer I had a wonderful weekend with my three closest friends. Before the trip I debated the wisdom of sharing my secret life as Celeste Jones with them and when an opportunity presented itself, I came clean, so to speak.
They were thrilled. I still get a little goose-bumpy when I think about how excited they were for me. I'm sure they are still excited and happy for me, but if I am honest, I'll have to say that I've been a little disappointed in the aftermath.
Perhaps this conversation is illustrative.
Me (excited): I'm so excited. My book is at #5000 on Amazon.
Friend (excited): You've sold 5000 books? OMG.
Me: No, that's my Amazon rank. Selling 5000 books in a week or two, or ever, would be pretty extraordinary.
Friend (disappointed): Oh.
Me (desperate to make her understand or at least be impressed): Well, of the two million books on Amazon, mine is selling better than 1,995,000.
Friend: Oh.
Now, is this person a bad friend? Absolutely not. In fact, I'd put my friends up against anybody's friends in a challenge of loyalty, love, support, and damn funny. We'd lose any athletic competition, but in the real friend category we're ass-kickers.
But, I was still disappointed that she couldn't really share my excitement.
However, I've given it some thought and here's what I've come up with.
Imagine having this conversation.
You: OMG. Little Timmy just smiled at me for the first time. All the books say babies don't smile until six weeks but he's only four weeks old.
Your Friend Who Doesn't Have A Child: Oh, that's exciting.
You: Don't you get it? He SMILED. Two weeks ahead of schedule. He smiled at ME. He knows I'm his mommy.
Your FWDHAC (trying really hard understand what the big deal is): That's great. You should take a picture and put it on Facebook.
Now, imagine having that same conversation with someone who has a child. Would it be different? Probably. Is one a better friend than the other? No, they are just different.
And maybe that's my point. It's unrealistic for me to expect a friend who has never written fiction to understand my life as a writer, just like it's unrealistic to expect a childless friend to understand the joys of parenting. Unless you've had the experience, it's hard to appreciate it in the same way as someone who has.
So, if you are a writer thinking about coming out to your friends, I offer the following (unsolicited) advice.
Ask yourself why you want to share. For me, I knew I was going into a weekend that was going to include lots of sharing and laughter. Could I really go and not talk about a significant and important part of my life?
Sometimes I want to share to brag or prove a point. I'm glad I haven't done it in those situations because I don't think it ever goes well when your motivation is rather self-serving.
I think it would be wonderful to be able to have a friend who knows me so well, much more than I could ever share as Celeste, with whom I can talk about writing and story ideas and marketing plans. But, in general (you know your friends best) I'm not sure if that's realistic.
It's uncomfortable to live a secret life. Making up stories about how you spend your time. I have a vanilla friend who has written and self-pubbed some books. I have to be so careful when I talk to her because I don't want to let on just how much I know about the subject. I don't like being secretive and I'm not really very good at it, so mostly I try to keep quiet (I'm not very good at that either).
You're excited and proud (as you should be). It's natural to want to share great events in your life with the people you care about. But maybe you don't need to share it with all of them.
I certainly don't want to discourage anyone from sharing and in fact, I encourage you to do so if you've really thought it through, in particular think about your motivation and whether what you hope to get is realistic.
My point here is to give you some food for thought.
If you do share, I hope you'll come back and tell me how it went.
For those of you who have come out---how did it go? Would you do it differently if you had to do it again?
I've shared my personal enjoyment of spanking with several friends and family members, I'd say they were all very accepting and somewhat amused. That suited me fine.
ReplyDeleteI also have the joy of have a close family member who writes and does understand (more than I do) about ranking and promoting. I guess my biggest concern is that many more people know that I write than know WHAT I write about. I've told them that they may be confused by my book and that they may be offended. That I am proud of it, but I'm not recommending it. Maybe they'll read, maybe not and it they are shocked they'll probably never mention it. I'm sure I'll be posting about some vanilla reaction eventually.
Thanks, PK. To be honest, I'd dare say that all my friends and family (with a couple of major exceptions) including my parents, would be okay with it. I guess I also don't want this information to be passed around town. I want to control who knows and who doesn't.
DeleteCan't wait to see how they react to your book.
I think a lot of it depends on where we are in our lives.
I also like the anonymity. I don't necessarily want everyone to know.
I am not sure I could share completely, but I so get your desire. It is as if you can completely be you here in this place. We all understand each other because we all get all the layers here in blogland....
ReplyDeleteYour analogy about friends is exactly the point. That is why we are so many different personas at once.
Thanks Minelle. I think that is part of the reason this blog community is so strong. People need an outlet and the support.
DeleteYes! To all of it. Especially the living a secret life part. I feel like I have NOTHING to talk about anymore. And not because I have nothing going on but because my free time is consumed in writing and promoting and when friends ask "What'd you do today?" I'm like, "Nothing..."
ReplyDeleteI also just try to keep quiet, and am not very good at it. I know it's coming, it's only a matter of time. And I already know its a way bigger deal to me than it will be to any of my friends.
Thanks, Casey. I know what you mean about not talking about anything for fear of saying too much. I am quite an accomplished napper, but I have been reporting more naps than usual to cover for "what I did today".
DeleteI have been in a position where I kept parts of my life secret in the past and I was really bad at it. It made me a nervous wreck. I just can't do it. So everyone in my life knows what I do and, luckily, most of them are proud, even those who have suggested other, less controversial genres.
ReplyDeleteWhat other genres did they suggest? LOL
DeleteI've come out accidentally and then on purpose to most people. I tell almost everyone now that I write erotic romance (and I don't turn all red or get all sweaty anymore). Some know it's BDSM related - or 'like that 50 shades...' :) others know it's spanking, the closer friends. It's hard to say that word out loud still, not sure how the reaction will be.
ReplyDeleteI do get what you're saying though as far as not understanding or sounding disappointed with the rankings. You try to explain but they won't understand. And that's ok.
Coming out has definitely made me more open - I feel freer to talk about things I've always been to embarrassed to talk about. It's like I've accepted that there's nothing wrong with me. Well, not nothing but you know what I mean! ;)
Thanks, Natasha! I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you at all!
DeleteI tend to tell the people I share everything with and trust, like my oldest friends etc. I think it's easier than hiding a whole chunk of me, as then our friendship would become too reserved.
ReplyDeleteYou know what, we write erotica, with a bit of kink thrown in, not the end of the world!
But I have to admit, I don't want details known in my neighbourhood as my kids might bear the brunt of it at school. When they're older and less vulnerable to teasing I won't care less.
I have a son who is well past the point of elementary school, but I'm just not sure he wants to hear that his mother is writing erotica. Do any of us?
DeleteGreat post, Celeste. I sometimes wish I could tell people about my books, but that's mostly because I wish I didn't have to be so secretive. Your point the other day (that people may not be so supportive, after all), is a good one. I've been lucky enough to tell a few vanilla friends, but for the most part they say great immediately and then kind of forget about it. I think you're right that people in this community are more supportive.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ana. Mostly what I was trying to sort out in my own head was my bit of hurt over the fact that they weren't as supportive as my writer friends and what I realized was that it wasn't reasonable for me to expect that from them.
DeleteBeing secretive is so tricky. I find myself on the verge of saying "Oh, someone on facebook mentioned that recently too" and then catching myself.
I come right out and tell anyone who really *presses* me on it that I write "erotica" or sometimes, if it's a certain type of person, I'll say, "Smut! SMUT GODDAMN IT! THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" :)
ReplyDeleteMostly, though, as you said so well, I just don't share the writing thing, much less the finer points of it all. A close friend or two (real life) and my mother (!) know what I do, and support it, but again, they're not writers so it only goes as far is it goes. Off topic a bit, I marvel at the female erotica authors who use real photos of themselves online as their avatars.
Good point about the photos. I've thought about it and then wondered if someone might recognize me, but then...if they do that would mean they are reading my books. Hmmm.
DeleteYou know, Celeste, things like this are always really interesting to me because I've never been in the closet about it. No, my parents don't know, but then I don't talk about my writing at all with them... as I don't talk about my sexual orientation, relationship orientation, my religion, my politics, my educational philosophies etc etc etc :D yeah, there's a lot I don't talk to my parents about. But any other person asks "what do you do?" "BDSM erotic romance author" is one of the 4 things I list.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Joelle!
DeleteAt first I was extremely secretive about what I write; now I tell everybody because I feel like it is important to build acceptance for the genre. I wish more erotic fiction authors were more open. There is nothing wrong with writing about sex or spanking. However, when one has a professional vanilla reputation to maintain in the community,I can see where openness may not be possible. An elementary school teacher announcing she wrote erotica would probably not be good for her teaching career!
ReplyDeleteI think some erotic fiction authors may fear that announcing that they have written fiction is tantamount to confessing they practice what they write. I don't feel that way. Of course some people may assume that but so what?
It is true that nonwriters do not understand what writers do. I have a kinship and natural camaraderie with other authors. You mentioned that your friend did not understand the significance of the sale ranking number. I've found that sometimes nonwriters are overly impressed by things I take for granted. If I say I've written 10K/40 pages in a week, their eyes grow wide and they are amazed. To me, that's like saying, well, I cooked dinner every night this week.
I'm pretty impressed that you cooked dinner every night too. :)
DeleteThanks, Cara. I do have a professional reputation to be concerned about, though maybe I'd get more clients if word got out. Hmmm.
Love your post, Celeste. I came out to people in my life gradually, but then I'd run into someone I hadn't seen in a while only to find out they already knew I was writing erotic romance. Gossip does travel quickly, and people I'd never imagined would find out did easily. So I decided I didn't really care anymore. I like what I do and now I tell anyone who asks I write erotic romance.
ReplyDeleteI do get a little annoyed when someone says "If you knew you'd sell a lot of books, would you write in another genre, like regular romance?" Um. yeah. That offends me a little, but I always respond with something like "Nope, definitely not. I like writing the kinky stuff." and that usually shuts them up, LOL.
One thing I've found that makes a huge difference is having real life writer friends, other writers I can meet for lunch. I'm blessed to have two such friends in my life (one I met on Twitter over a year ago!) and another that my husband works with and he introduced us. They understand all about sales rankings and book promo and release stress, so I think they make up for the lack of enthusiasm some of my other friends have. Of course I love my online friends too, they are just as supportive! :)
Wow! Thanks for all the great and thoughtful comments. I think that I am okay with people knowing if I choose to tell them, the idea that people around town would be gossiping (and judging) would really bother me.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of layers to this issue and mostly want I wanted to say today is that although there is a desire to share with friends, I think it's unrealistic to believe that your friends who aren't writers will really get it. I know that I often wish that instead of being on facebook we could all be at a party drinking and laughing and sharing so then the natural thought is "why can't I just share with the people that I do see in real life and then it will be the same" and I just don't know if that is always possible.
I mentioned on the LS FB site that I've told my three closest friends. The first one was happy for me and actually downloaded the book on her computer. She is a real book person and so it was amazing. She has read one of the stories and said "I can't believe Leigh wrote this." Is that good? I choose to think so.
ReplyDeleteMy other friend asked where she could find the books, she just wanted to see my name. Okay
The third friend said good for me and asked where she could find them. Haven't talked about it since.
At this point, I can't imagine telling my daughter or my siblings, but you never know.
As for others, when they ask what I do with my time, I tell them I am a freelance writer. It cuts down on asking where they could read what I write.
DeleteThat's very cool about your friends downloading the book. It really is a big compliment.
Oh boy, does this hit home. Many times I've thought about "coming out" with friends and associates and neighbors, and every time---I've backed off. Here's the real problem. I can imagine telling people I write "erotica, like 50 Shades type of stuff." So far not so bad. Then they ask, "so can we see? what's your pen name?" Then they go look and it's all about---omigod, spanking!---spanking? 'ol Bob is into spanking? How weird is that?" Well, now the friendship dynamic is changed. Not only that, they'd wonder about my wife. My kids. Plus there is my professional reputation. I'm fairly visible in my area of commerce and the effect of people knowing about my little hobby is a real wild card in the deck.
ReplyDeleteSo it's not a simple thing, and so far it's under wraps. But I'd really like to tell. Really.
I can only imagine the speech you might give at your retirement party, Rollin. :)
DeleteOne thing that someone on Facebook said to me when I was thinking about telling my friends was once it's said, it can't be unsaid, so tread carefully.
Plus, there is also a huge difference between telling your dearest friends who know most of your other quirks and still love you vs. blasting the info at the next chamber of commerce meeting.
I recently had to come out to a friend, as google had linked my author account to his google plus. He knew that I had been writing, so it didn't take much to just tell him. He took it in stride, and since I had a bit of a crisis on my hands, and he's good in a crisis, helped me solve the problem so I wouldn't out myself to anyone else. Since then, our text conversations have gone firmly back to action adventure films and skydiving so I think my fears were mostly exaggerated that he would look at me differently. That doesn't mean that other people wouldn't be judgmental because I live in a very conservative area, and I am realistic. I know they would be.
ReplyDeleteI am lucky, though, in that I have met many spanking enthusiasts at the various parties I've gone to over the years, so I've actually had those moments sitting around at dinner, laughing and sharing that side of myself around others who share the kink. As for my vanilla friends, some of them know, some of them don't. We'll see how this dual identity thing goes.
Wow. did you freak out when the two accounts got linked? I accidentally shared my blog on my real life facebook page which lead to several minutes of freaking out and deactivating that facebook account. BTW---it's hard to click a mouse when your hands are shaking.
DeleteBeing able to really be yourself and with friends who get it and appreciate you for it is a real blessing. Maybe I ought to try to be that way more with others in all aspects.
I panicked! I completely freaked out, but short of deleting my entire author blog, Twitter, and Facebook, and then moving to Iceland, I didn't see a way around telling him the truth. And yes, it's hard to navigate the internet when you are paralyzed by fear.
Delete