Monday, April 8, 2013

Some Thoughts on Friendship

I recently had a discussion with a friend about the nature of friendship and she asked "What are you looking for in a friend?" 

Seems like a simple question, and maybe it is, but it got me thinking. 

There are some basic qualities that I think would be good: smart, a good sense of humor, thinks I'm fabulous, for starters. 

But then I thought about what an ideal friendship would look like and how it would feel. Let me just add here that I have a wide circle of friends but some are more satisfying than others. Some are disappointing and frustrating. Friendships also seem to ebb and flow with the tides of life. So I thought about those moments and those people where friendship was at its best. 

Here's what I came up with: I want to feel safe to share myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my anxieties with someone who will hear what I say without judgment and maybe without even offering advice (unless I ask for it). And I want to be the sort of friend who does the same for them. 

What's this have to do with spanking? Maybe not much. Sorry. But there are still all those free spanking stories listed above so if that's what you came here for today you can still get your fix. :) 

Or maybe it does have a lot to do with spanking. I like the anonymity of being Celeste Jones and I'm unlikely to share my writing life with any more people in my real life than I have already. But that begs the question---if I were to tell the people in my life, how would they react? 

Admittedly, I am sometimes surprised by people, but overall, I think my friends would fall into one of three different categories. 

1. Enthusiastic and supportive: That's great. What can I do to help? These are those safe people mentioned above. 
2. Not sure how to react or what to think: Hmmm. That's interesting. They may never mention the subject again and might try to pretend they never heard me tell them. Or they might broach it again in the future because they are curious or they've mulled it over a bit and have decided that I am still the same person they knew before. 
3. Horrified, shocked, repulsed.  We can't be friends any more. Whether they come right out and say it or simply fade away from my life, their world has been rocked beyond repair. 

I've decided to spend more time with the people in category 1 and to nurture those relationships. I'll still spend time with folks in category 2 and even the 3s, but even without telling them anything about being a naughty spanking stories writer, I know these friendships just won't be as satisfying because I have to be careful to edit out a significant part of my life---a part of my life that I find very satisfying and engaging. 

What about you? What do you think makes a good friend? 




16 comments:

  1. Gosh Celeste this is such a great post. I think that a good friend is someone we feel would accept us in spite of all our faults. Just like the song...from Laverne and Shirley...Through thick and through thin....remember?
    However there is that place for those who are aquaintences...Maybe we will grow in friendship later. There are times in our lives when we are more or less open to vast differences, or when we can accept and keep judging to a minimum. And, when we offer advice from the heart it comes without hitting below the belt with the intent to hurt.
    I also feel friends can be very different and still enjoy each other.
    Actually you said it well!

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    1. Thanks, Minelle. Good point about a friendship needing time to develop. It's not like I want to share all my deep dark secrets the first time I meet someone...though I will say that I am surprised by the number of people who do. Am I the only one who has noticed this?

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  2. To be fair, some friendships just aren't at that level. Most of my offline friendships fall into that category. But then again, I like the privacy. Though I do sometimes wish I could tell my friends and family that I have published. It would help with publicizing, too. :)

    Would you really want to tell your offline friends if you could? I'm surprised because you're such a private person. Though I do remember you telling us about a cutting board gift... ;)

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    1. Very true about some friendships not being at that level and they are okay for what they are.

      To clarify, I don't want to tell my real world friends, but I'd like to think that I could. Maybe it's sort of my litmus test that I won't actually administer.

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  3. I have a small circle of very close friends. Some are just women, and a few are couples that Tom and I share. With the exception of one couple, all know about my writing. These people--the women in particular, are who I touch base with at least twice a week. They are the ones I call, text, email, etc. when something funny happens, when I'm down, when I want to share an accomplishment of mine, or of my kid's. I am extremely wary of the term 'true friend'. It's a big job to be a true friend, and sadly, many over the years--at least in MY life--have fallen short.

    Very good post, Celeste. What we do (That THING we do) can be very isolating, so friends are important.

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    1. Thanks, Jade. I agree that it can be isolating. I'm not necessarily feeling that way since I have my online friends and one friend (and my husband) who know about this Thing. I was just throwing it out there more as food for thought---not that I WOULD tell people, but who in my life COULD I tell and have the be ok, maybe even enthusiastic, about it?

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  4. My best friends are spankos. They are in category one. I have lots of vanilla friends, but my spanko friends are very special. They accept me and want nothing in return except friendship.

    I hope someday you will meet some spankos in person.

    BTW. Many of my friends are lawyers!

    Hug,
    Joey

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    1. Joey--you are so sweet.

      P.S. Maybe we already know each other! LOL

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  5. I would say that I wish that I had more close friends but I don't. It seems that my friends in my daily life don't know all there is to know about me. And then friends in blogland don't know everything about me because of the privacy issues. Most people, as in my offline friends, would be shocked and maybe unaccepting of my choices and my lifestyle. Ty and I are happy and that is all that matters I guess. He is my best friend.

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    1. Thanks, Blondie. It is important to be able to share w/your partner, that's for sure.

      It is hard, I think, to always live a life that is divided especially when there is the concern that you might be rejected by people "if they really knew".

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  6. I think friendships develop when you share something with another person: a job, an interest, a hobby, a belief, a life stage. A deeper friendship develops when you can share yourself and feel comfortable doing so. But with our closest friends, I think chemistry is involved, just as it is in romantic relationship. Something with two people just "clicks."

    I'm very open about my writing -- although I wasn't in the beginning. But for me, it was a pragmatic matter. I don't have another day job -- so how do I account for my time if I don't tell them I'm writing? (And If I just say, "writing," the next question is, "what are you writing?"

    Ironically, I have become most open since I moved to the middle of the Bible Belt and I know I have shocked people, although most are too polite to say anything to my face. Have I lost out on friendship opportunities because of it? Possibly. I say possibly rather than probably because most likely those people would not have been my friends anyway.

    BTW Celeste, you can always just tell people you're only doing what your mother told you to do!

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    1. Heehee. Good one Cara!

      I think you're right about the people who are shocked are probably not people you would choose as friends in the first place.

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  7. Strange, I would swear I posted a comment on here yesterday... I am so very grateful for all my friends who hold me up when I can't.

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    1. I saw one from you. Strange. I didn't delete.

      But, your point is a good one and worth repeating.

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  8. Lovely, thoughtful post, Celete. My best friends are still the friends I had in high school, and it's a very small circle. All of them are very open minded. I haven't lost any friends by telling them I write erotic romance, but I have gotten some strange looks (mostly from church folk and my neighbors). I'm very open about my pen name and what I do. I feel silly admitting this...but I don't want people thinking I sit at home all day watching soaps and eating bon-bons.

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    1. Some people may have been lead to believe that my law practice is a bit busier than it really is for that same reason. :)

      Thanks, Sue. I think that open minded is certainly the key.

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